Well given that I now have a shiny new twitter account, I can apparently link this page and have my inane updates flood my beautifully austere lj page.

What's new in the 96 odd weeks since I last journaled?

I've lived in Brisbane, fell in and out of love, moved back to the old Christchurch town, enrolled in a radiography degree.  Hitch-hiked the West Coast, travelled to Thailand, travelled to Laos, toured Queensland in a Land Rover, went hang-gliding.  Walked sections of the Abel Tasman, tramped 7 hours into a natural hot spring, changed my clinical placement for my degree to Wellington.

Made some friends, became temporarily addicted to myspace, became temporarily (I hope) addicted to facebook, deleted my myspace profile.

Bought a mini laptop, lost my digital camera, discovered my iriver works with discman car converters.

Other than that, not much has really happened!

Current Location: my bed, Christchurch
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: low hum of stereo connections

Ah Brisbane, sultry land of frangipani and music.... 

I really am spoilt here.  I mean, I work 7.5 hours a day for $19.7 an hour typing into a computer and listening to music on my headphones.  I have a gorgeous dreddy red head to help organise my trip to South-East Asia in November with.  I have two gorgeous housemates, one who isn't working so she cleans the house every day.  And they are both quite easy on the eye, and thus it makes my house a beautiful place to be (most of the time, until they spend too much time looking at each OTHER but that's another story).

I have friends down the road that I visit every other day, who love me and tell me that it's my home too, and try to take me random places like Stanthorpe with them.  And dance with me at dub reggae and hip hop gigs.

I've met so many beautiful boys recently, and finally got over Kieran, I hope, and aside from the not sleeping tonight (well, I got a couple of hours in), I really can't complain.

Life, actually is, beautiful.

It's wonderful really, because it let me help out a friend who is going through some shit, and actually sit and talk to him about his intelligence, he reminds me heaps of Sam actually - too smart and sensitive for his own good.  Which reminds me that I really should catch up with ALL my Christchurch friends because I'm been so f-ing slack recently.

And, started to swear again, it looks like.

Yeah so somewhere along the line I became some sort of yoga practising meditating folk guitar playing pesco-vegetarian hippy....  Actually contemplating getting dreds.... Loving my short hair though... Loving the fact that I've lost so much weight since I came off the pill... loving life...

Falling in love with life perhaps?

Or maybe that's just the influence of him....

Argh it's always such a tangle of emotions, attraction, except it seems this time I'm attracted for all the right reasons, he actually seems like he'd be really good for me, and aside from the fact that he gets the attention of every little girl in the room, he seems almost perfect for me?

Which isn't to say, perfect, because he's not, and it's always the imperfections I fall for, but he's sweet, he really is, and I think we would be sweet together.

And it looks like he has a crush on me, which really blew me away, because you know, it's me, Anna, I'm not crush-worthy!!!  I'm just this little observer who dances her own dance and kind of watches the world.... But I'm trying to interact with it, honestly I am, living my own life.

Being an active participant, and all that (see previous soul-searching)

What can I say but transcribe more poetry?

03/01/07

Delighting in the unlikely pleasure of writing 
Lavender-scented verse 
In my shallow bath
Of Queensland summer

Prophet: heed your own words
Let not small problems irk you
Feel the luscious centred gaze of The Universe
Love well, laugh often
Cease your fretting
Look at all you have accomplished so far
The best is yet to come

Tags: brisbane, poetry
Current Location: early hours of the morning, New Farm
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: soft night sounds

I can't work today
Can't walk, can't think without crying
Can't interact without self-hate and jealousy
Can't lie like a cat in the sun
Can't write without cliches
Can't concentrate
I can eat, and write, and weep
Blow my nose
Think of your smile
Love you love you love you
A million times love you
Love you all the more
For not having you
Love you for your disinterest
Your condescension
Love you because you'll never come back
Never fight for me
Never understand my fears 
My constant need of assurance
My need of recognition
My need for you to show your love
I want you to understand me the way I know you
Have always known you
As you say
Love without Knowledge
If you knew me
You would know I was trying to keep
You at arms' length.

_

Running hot & cold
Afraid of dreaming
I don't want to explore too much
Inner-maelstrom crashing bleak
No words for what is inside
It was pale and flat
LIfe flickered on the edges
I prodded, the world came tumbling out
The liquid mixed to put in place
If I could just think
Shut up mind shut up
If I could just think
If I could just remember 
What I meant to think about
When I last visited me?
There, despondency
That inevitable itch
Of new, better, unseen
An overwhelming urge to quicken life's tide
As if I could just rush through pain
Twirling effortlessly into joy
Begin a new love affair
To start that conceited spark
As if earning the love of another counts for anything
Come on, you've been down that path before
The only reliable thought pattern
Is reliance in the world
Surround yourself with those who are true
Embrace that sharp pain
Hurtling through your temples
Carry the same contempt you've felt forever
It rings hollow, doesn't it?
Teaching world love again
Building your life again
Learning yourself again.

_

There, sweet child
Slow your mind, Breathe my calm
Imagine my heavy arms comforting, easing
Stop your search for a better life
O sweet one,
You've always had the love you seek
Others have chipped at that fount
When you need to replace your energy
Go inside
I'm always here
There is wisdom not far, and beauty
Do not run from it, dull the search
With facile communion and lust
There is no path
No path for you
Except love, except love
Accept love.

_

To willingly fall without fear of falling
Well, it makes me shy
Each time I think of your beauty
That light inside that's lit mine
And I glow, I am told, I glow
For the first time I have found something true
Pure, love, pure
When I'm around you I see you swathed in white
Pure love, pure
Come, stand, dance my dance
With smiles and open consciousness we'll walk
Hand in hand into tomorrow
How couldn't I tell?
Where have I been?
You were there all along - how could they not have known?
You were standing so tall, with that loving smile
Enjoying, appreciating, opening your heart to song
And all this time I was blind for him, caught up in my day-to-day battle
Caught up in all those little things I've tried to leave behind,
Caught up not living my life.
Butterflies and dragonflies and a phoenix from the flames.
Commissioning a fairy princess to paint my colours.
My heart,
A frangipani tree,
Your voice,
Your song,
Your beautiful beautiful relationship analogy
My pen skimming off paper and you danced
And you danced
And we danced.

Tags: bad poetry, poetry
Current Location: Middle of the night, quiet house

I was instructed to resurrect this journal, fallen by the wayside for so many months… Perhaps I won’t write in here as much as I used to, but the occasional post may appear.





I’m at work, working hard obviously. I had the thought that if I just start writing in a journal format, perhaps my poetry will come spilling out more – I haven’t written anything in a good five months. Kieran expressed his concern during a New Year’s discussion that he was holding me back from my writing. I mean, maybe this is true, because it’s hard to write anything other than sunny clicheic drivel when I’m content. This hot, humid climate is more suited to languorously lying in front of a fan and reading, than sitting at a desk in the cold evenings writing.







I have itchy feet again. Hayley and Ben come back from their trip in a few weeks – I would have returned four months ago. I would have been in the first flower of new love – if Kieran hadn’t found someone else? Ah, maybes and what ifs…. Anyway I’ve deci







Interestingly, the playlist I’ve set up has two songs about Amys: Freya Hanley and Damien Rice. Both borrowed from my housemate, and both amazing. I wish I could play the flute. I wish I’d seen The Dynamic Thrills when they had a flautist.







I wish I could quit biting my nails.







Finishing writing this at home in New Farm, on Shayna's laptop. Ned's left for some concert with one musician she likes and a few she doesn't really know. I'm contemplating eating Govinda's Hari Krishna food and also applying for a VISA Debit card... sounds a pretty good deal, $6 a month for unlimited transactions, although I may need to have a bank account as well as that... Possibly talking to my bank would be the best idea *sigh* if only banks were open on weekends! In Australia they're not even open til 9.30am, and they shut at 4.30, how sweet would that be as a working day?!



It's Sandra's birthday today, she's 20, I can't believe it! She's having a Mexican party tomorrow night and had her heart set on a donkey pinata, so a boy who likes her made her one from cardboard boxes and post-it notes. How sweet...



Getting bitten by the mosquitos who live in our sunroom so better go

Brisbane, Brisbane, Brisbane. I love this city.
Of breaking news, this journal will now be locked to friends only...

Yesterday was my Nana's funeral, and I was very sick. I was running a fever and somewhat delirious. Hayley and I walked the mountain to the temple at 5.30 in the morning, breakfasted and returned to our hotel for showers. The cold shower made me really dizzy and I lay down, and must have fallen asleep. I woke up bathed in sweat and the room was spinning. We were supposed to leave Pushkar yesterday for Udaipur, so I stumbled down the hall to tell Ben and Hayley I'm sick. Hayley was really lovely and bought me bananas, water and boiled sweets. I fell better today but still weak as a kitten and my neck and body aches.

Current Location: Pushkar... but leaving

An interesting story today - well, interesting for me. I went shopping in search of a pharmacy (I have a cold sore, and I needed to buy the Indian version of Zovirax: Herpex. Hayley mentioned they should have thought more about the marketing for that one).

Walking through the clean, labyrinthine side streets of Pushkar's central chowk, I came across a cow searching for food from a friendly-looking Indian woman. We exchanged niceties and she admired my bracelets - I asked her if she wanted one, and she asked for two! I've come to accept that asking outright for what you want is the Rajasthani way. She invited me inside her reasonably comfortable, small house. Her husband is dead and she works as a seamstress. She's putting her 19 year old daughter through college - studying Economics and Indian Literature. Her daughter did amazing henna on my hands for 100 rupee, we haggled on the price.

I hung out at her house for ages, drinking chai, being hennaed, watching the cricket and chatting with young Indian girls. Hayley and Ben came back to visit in the evening with me, I convinced them because Neena is the loudest, funniest, most emancipated Indian woman I have met so far in India.

I am yet to see the women dance...

Current Location: Pushkar

"I knew Nana Evie only in the twilight of her life. Her mind, in recent years, has wandered - maybe thinking of happier times with her husband and children. I remember her as I sit in the Indian desert, the hills of Puskhar around me. They remind me of the Port Hills, and Sunday afternoons in the Days Road kitchen.

Nana Evie to me was red hair, sharp wit, loving heart. She was a great cook, had a strong will and I suspect she was a fiercely proud mother. My thoughts are with all of my wonderful family today. I'm sending you all my love."

So, as it turns out, I will be staying in India. My uncle arranged the funeral for tomorrow - mum and dad didn't know this.

Tags: nana
Current Location: Pushkar - leaving tomorrow for Udaipur

Oh the date on this computer says it's the first of August. Who knows, maybe Pushkar is some sort of time hole and I'm Rip Van Winkle.

Another walk up 'my' mountain to the temple, so starting to get fit. Ben and Hayley may leave today, Amanda and Brett (the Australians) left two days ago for Mount Abu.

Yesterday was a relaxed day of meandernig from cafe to shop. The tourist life is so self indulgent...

So yes, plans for this afternoon include sitting in the shade and drawing a tree.

I still have no idea if I'll go back to NZ, I guess it's getting a bit late now. The earliest date for the funeral would be April 4th. Feasibly possible, although a long-distance phone call and a small personal ceremony may work for me.

No email from Kieran today, so more time for me to sort out my words.

Sleepy, so sleepy, serves me right for waking up at 5am I suppose.

This morning walking from the tiny, cane-chair filled cafe where I breakfasted alone, to this crazy back-room internet cafe, there was a traffic jam. The streets in Puskhar are tiny, and autorickshaws are banned, so the only traffic is usually motorcycles. Someone thought it would be a good idea to drive their small car through the streets, unfortunately there was parked truck laden with wooden poles. The small car was quite stuck for about 5 minutes. Tickled my fancy.

Stray dogs and cows everywhere, and monkeys on the temple hill. Fields and fields of flowers, desert, mountains. 340 days of festivals in Puskhar.

Indian New Year the night before last, so men with pot bellies dancing while breathing fire. None of the women danced, and I felt like dancing.

Unexpectedly great woodfired pizza at Shivam Garden Restaurant - delicious even by Australian standards (Sydney has pretty good pizza). Played this amazing game called Karum (sp?) with Ben and Hayley, similar to pool but played by flicking disks into one of four corners of a square board.

In a somewhat melancholy, solitary mood this morning. I've almost finished reading Shantaram, so home to read and pass on the book to Ben and Hayley. It weighs an awful lot in my backpack.

Current Location: Pushkar
Current Music: monkeys squealing, Indian chanting, bells - usual Pushkar

Earlier today we went camel trekking, for four hours around a mountain. Camel trekking! Surprisingly comfortable, and very entertaining to watch the expression on Hayley and Bens' faces as the camels knelt whilst we mounted and dismounted. I love camels, they are almost as great as llamas!